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[19 Nov 2008|11:01pm] |
3 years
4 homes
6 jobs
4 bikes
3 relationships
things change
It's almost a month past the Migraversary. Sorry for the delay. A very close (though not by physical measure) friend was in town that weekend- visiting Portland (and me) for the first time ever.
Been a while, huh? I don't really do this anymore- this blogging thing. I've run out of things to say by the end of my days. That's not to say I don't internet. I do way too much of that. My life is online. Maybe that's why I don't want to talk online.
What do I do if I don't do this? I teach roller derby. I do a job... somewhat. I maintain a house. I guess if I'm writing here, something must be bugging me. I'm going to find some talking points to keep me on track.
Compared to last year- I'm not working the irregular hours and that's pretty great. 9-5 and health insurance for the win. Unfortunately "hobbies" are quickly becoming a singular, all-consuming "hobby" that I'm finding less pleasure in and less of a way out. The personal dilemmas of 12 months ago came and went. None to speak of at present... professional yes, personal no.
I found a "real" job and attained health insurance (both goals of last year). I have a rooted investment in Portland. Right now I feel like I'm in a rut, but sometimes I think it's a groove. I'm less a bike nerd, more a derby participant, a Portlander, and a professional tech geek. Those things have all shifted weight and bearing.
So here's the brief on the past year...
When last we visited our protagonist in an annual reporting fashion, he was living with a friend in an apartment in Southeast, losing a woman he was in love with, and still struggling with professional fulfillment.
The love was lost and a month later the professional break came. December brought a new, life changing job opportunity. The life change allowed our protagonist to give more time to the roller derby and the derby started taking more and more of it.
By early spring there was a new girl and then a house. Our protagonist still can't figure out which one he felt more attracted to. So he bought the house and dated the girl. The girl dumped him and that sucked, but they got back together. The house came with another relationship- casual friends turned property shareholders and roommates. And a new job: remodeling/upkeep.
Our protagonist became a head coach, organized a fair, helped put on a conference, moved an office, and lost track of time.
Now it's a year later and our protagonist doesn't know if the things he wanted so badly a year ago are things he still wants. Or maybe just aren't as green as the pastures he envisioned before he could behold them.
That's that. I'm really not sure where I'm going or even where I want to go from here.
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| Where I've Been |
[21 Mar 2008|01:14am] |
I ceased automatic payment for this journal a while back. No, I haven't been cheating on this one with another and I haven't been writing locked entries- nobody's been intentionally kept out of the loop. The loop's just... moved on.
Life is much different now. I think. Or at least certain aspects. I've been focusing my efforts in what I hope to be positive, productive ways. That's different. It's challenging. Sometimes I wonder if I can hack it. More often I wonder if I want to.
I work.
I derby.
I bike.
I plan, organize, guide, and execute.
I get stressed, worn out, and tired.
I do it all over again.
There's not enough time to live online. I think that's what this journal was. Sure having a record- a legacy- is the purpose of a journal, but this one reflected a time in my life and way I lived it. I might have moved on from that lifestyle. I might have just lost touch for the time being.
Regards,
Benjamin
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| Too little too late |
[17 Feb 2008|01:03am] |
Lots going on this weekend... and I'm taking part in none of it. Instead I'm struggling to see straight without succumbing to nauseating pain. Ah head colds, how I loathe thee...
When I woke up this morning I found out my grandfather passed away. That was a little unsettling, but not much. I probably haven't spoken with him for a couple years. Bums me out that just two days ago (after speaking with both my grandmothers) I was thinking of writing him. Woulda been ultra weird for that mail to arrive a couple days from now... He wasn't close to the family anymore- had burned his bridges with my grandmother, aunt, and uncles- and I hadn't seen much of him since my early teenage years. Just kinda weird to know he's not there anymore- the house he's always been in and rarely left for my entire life.
Putting fun on hold for other reasons. There's quite a lot of work I've committed to for the conference and other hobbies. Not to mention my job... Yeah, I should do my job some time... it pays the bills after all.
Tomorrow I'm officiating a derby bout in Eugene. I hope I can skate... there are drugs to overcome whatever ails me, but most of them have some pretty detrimental skating effects... It'll be a fun time regardless. I've found myself getting super involved in derby again... I think I want that to happen. I hope I have time for it.
And I'm seeing someone. Sorta. I guess. We'll see. I probably shouldn't be, but things happen. She's pretty great.
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[13 Feb 2008|10:30am] |
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When I tell people I moved to get away from the terrible weather conditions in Illinois, this is what I'm talking about. The same thing happened in the winter of '04/05, I moved before it could get me again in '06.
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| The loss of her, the one I love |
[27 Jan 2008|04:25pm] |
I don't have time for the internets much anymores. I gave up on trying to keep up with blogs, mailing lists, and serials that have been my routine for years now. These days I spend so much time and energy on my other projects that by the time I'm free I have no energy left for anything. I melt into the couch and switch off. Having cable doesn't help.
But since LJ is my only means of emotional release, I need to spend some time with it today. Be warned- this is about to turn into some emo shit all up in here...
( Cut for BS )
Looks like I'm going to Seattle next weekend. It was a coin toss between derby in Seattle or bike fest in Vancouver B.C. Either way I'd be geeking out on new ground (I've spent about an hour in Seattle and never been to BC) so the choice came down to most reasonable. Plus the month of February is jam packed with bike dorkery (minibike winter) and lacks a home bout so derby this weekend seems like a good choice. Superbigthanks to Fire Crotch for letting me tag along with her- I might actually get to see some Seattle outside the tournament venue.
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[09 Jan 2008|11:37pm] |
Dear el jay,
I don't have time for you right now.
k thnx
bai
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[01 Jan 2008|10:53pm] |
Yeah, I should update. You'll notice I tend to update when I'm miserable or bored and the rest of the time I don't. Kinda skews this journal, huh?
Anyway, I'm back in town and things are good. Busy and good. I've actually been semi productive at work since I got back- went in on Sunday and Monday just to try to accomplish things before today. Been doing the typical end-of-the-year stuff otherwise, seeing people and partying. Rang in the New Year in a bar I'd never been to alone in a crowded room- that's pretty typical as well.
My roommate claimed that 2007 flew by for her. I argued that it dragged. Then I realized I'd been through 4 jobs, 2 homes, and 2 relationships. I involved myself with several new hobbies, projects, and friends. It was a big year in a lot of ways, though no bigger than most I suppose. But it totally didn't go by in a flash.
I thought I'd end '07 in the same shape as previous years- looking for decent work and struggling with a failing relationship, but for better or worse that's not where I am. The job is great and the relationship ended a while ago. If I cared, I dig through this journal and reflect on my past statements of goals and desires... but tonight I don't.
Things are moving steadily forward.
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[26 Dec 2007|10:47pm] |
I woke up to yelling. It continued throughout the morning. Some of it was directed at me. Every single bit of it was completely pointless. Most of it fueled by the stress of family holiday bullshit. Exactly the reason I throw my own Turkey day. Exactly the reason I didn't want to come back. Exactly the reason I wont next year.
I've felt sick the entire time I've been here. Kinda drugged. Maybe it's the crap I'm eating, maybe the stress. Whatever, I don't like it.
I'm tired of explaining myself. I sick of the curious looks and feigned interest. I guess that's what family is for. I'm tired of people commenting that I don't have a car and questions about whether I'm still biking. Ridiculous status symbol bullshit. Yes, I have a job. No, it's not on a farm.
There's a Family Guy episode in which Stewie is sitting at the bar of a midwestern diner. He tries to strike up conversation with the locals about politics, current events, liturature, the arts... nothing get him any response. Then he enquires about corn and everyone lights up and everyone babbles endlessly about corn. That's not just a silly scene in a cartoon. That's reality and that's my life here. I watched it happen tonight and I excused myself to another room.
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[26 Dec 2007|01:02am] |
eff I'm bored... and insomnia has set in. I guess it's on 1am where I want to be. I'm doing nothing but eating and I'm doing that to excess. Oh and, of course, drinking to excess.
I thought I'd crash at the party but didn't. Maybe it was the Makers & coffee drinks I downed when I arrived or just the gin (it always keeps me up), but I didn't pass out. Until someone drove me back to my parents' place. They found me this morning- next to a nearly full drink I'd concocted from their cabinet, one untied boot on one foot, and my pants undone, ass hanging out- passed out in their livingroom. Merry Christmas!
I didn't get my dad or brother anything because it took spending some time with them to figure out what gifts they would appreciate. It took no time at all to assess. They each need hobbies and less stressful work lives. Oh and my brother needs some stuff for his house and dad could probably benefit from... well, maybe the next three days in a car with him will inspire me.
In a way it's nice to be incapable of accomplishing anything for a while. Put everything in neutral. Ignore issues that are constantly coming up. Shut myself off to my daily involvements. I've been looking in on my work e-mail inbox just to shrug and smile and verbally respond to far away audience "Maybe next week... maybe."
I'm in the land of big-box and consumption. The intake and output of this household disturbs me. Stupid Portland for making me into a conscious hippie. I miss my bike.
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| O HAI JURNAL... |
[20 Dec 2007|11:36pm] |
I'm mostly sleepy.
But I keep busy enough that I don't notice.
There's not enough time in a day nor enough energy in me to get it all done.
Whatever.
I'm feeling the slightest bit useful. Perhaps that's a tiny shuffle toward valuable?
I really don't wanna board a plane on Monday. I wonder what would happen if I just... didn't.
edit: Shit. That was the first time I'd even considered boarding the plane an option and now I'm stuck on it. I don't have to go... Damnit...
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[09 Dec 2007|11:40pm] |
Visited the Bike Farm today and "borrow" a VHS player from work to watch City of Lost Children. That's pretty much it. Excitement. Oh, I guess I worked- that's what ate up the majority of my day.
I might take on volunteer mechanic shifts at the Farm. We'll see. Someday maybe I'll ride my bike as much as I do stuff related to riding bikes. Tomorrow I'm supposed to be leading a bike ride. I should maybe plan something for that. Or at least pick up beer. It doesn't matter how poorly planned a ride is as long as there's beer, right?
Tomorrow the new admin person starts. Which means I'm no longer in charge of the front desk and answering the phone and ordering office supplies- huzzah! Unfortunately it means I actually have to start figuring out what my job is. Or I'll go back to tinkering with Google Apps. Mmm... moving an entire office away from Outlook... *drool*
I'd better start skating this week. I wont be walking and riding nearly as much with this new job.
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| It's Saturday night... |
[08 Dec 2007|07:26pm] |
...and I'm all about staying in. This is what happens when you get a real job and stuff. You act all responsible and mature and don't have a social life.
No, wait, it's more about the fact that my head is still pounding from last night, I'm broke, and I really don't feel like being around people (mostly a result of last night).
So I've undertaken an exciting evening of washing clothes. New (used) clothes! ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) solteronita took me thrift shopping for "office attire" out around shadysecond avenue. Shirts with collars and sleeves... look what my life has come to.
My new bike bags are complete and installed. I need to get some pictures. They're quite ridiculous.
Um. Yeah, I'm done.
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| Compunction |
[02 Dec 2007|10:57pm] |
I fell asleep at a party. No, not pass out- fell asleep. I hadn't really slept more than a couple hours the previous two nights and had been at work since 6am, but excuses aside that's pretty embarrassing :-P Thanks, oven, for not drawing penises on my face.
When we last left our protagonist, he was fussing over his new job and about to embark on a new arts-n-crafts project. The project is half done and the job starts in about 10 hours. We find him back at his computer with much to say and little energy to express it. All in all he had a good weekend, though. Some work and play and closure...
Just finished giving my primary bike an overhaul. She was long overdue. The gear cluster is silver again, but the bottom of the wash tub turned black. I almost hate to put her out in the elements again and I know that new chain isn't gonna stay pretty very long, but that's the way it goes. She's shifting well, stopping when I pull the brakes, and shining like new... time to restart the cycle of abuse.
I have a meeting or social engagement every single evening this week. I guess I'm really taking advantage of that whole not working nights thing. I'm available to do stuff with other people at normal hours now. Weird. I may be spreading myself pretty thin, though- we'll see.
The RCR head referee asked me to start attending Fresh Meat practices. Apparently they're gonna ramp up the training program and put girls under more scrutiny before allowing them to draft. That means they need more people telling them what they're doing wrong, apparently. Probably another thing I shouldn't have taken on, but I did so around the first of the year I'll be back to 2-4 practices per week... though if I'm showing up for FM practice, I better get to duck out of Saturday ref practice.
And I'm part of the new PDX bike militia. It's in the very early stages at this point- I don't think anyone has a clear idea of what they want it to be. I'm sorta sick of the politics woven into the over groups I work with, though, and want something fresh and uninhibited. I keep catching myself trying get too official and organized with it, though- bad habit. Wanna keep this one fun and effective.
Also trying to get back into the conference thing- I think we all kinda took a break after the All Traffic movement started and through turkey day. My personal terminal conveniently coincided with these major distractions so no one really noticed how much my attention was taken off the project.
And I might step up my role with Shift. I shouldn't, but I might. I think 2008 is gonna be a pretty busy year...
I watched Everything is Illuminated today and it was fantastic. Oh, and Dazed and Confused. It was a good day for movies.
I told her I was done being an asshole. I'm over it. And I can say that honestly. All it took was time and one last good argument. Last night I even held a conversation with Laura for the first time in nearly 11 months. I'm scared this town is going to fill up with ex-girlfriends (because you can't go anywhere in Portland without running into familiar faces).
I'd been silently worrying to myself about landing an adult, professional job. Last week a friend was half-jokingly encouraging me to go after a mutual acquaintance of ours. I said I couldn't because I don't date people with real jobs. He pointed out that now I have a real job. This morning it came up with the roomie. We decided as long as we act like adults when we show up to work regularly, we don't actually have to be one of them. I envision Body Snatchers. If someone starts pointing and squealing at me, I'm totally going back to part time irresponsible work.
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[30 Nov 2007|11:53pm] |
I've been neglecting the written word. Sorry. Whatever.
So I have a new job now. And just to keep things in balance I left one. That means I'm still hovering at two. "But one's full time," they say, "You don't need that other one!" Need? Probably not. But the the fish bowl pays me too well and I've lived in this town long enough to know I need an exit strategy. Plus I get into the zoo free and $22/mo. to spend on my bike. So I gotta work some crappy Sunday morning shifts. Whatever. Just means I'll try to keep myself under control on Saturday nights.
Like tonight. I have to be at work in 6.5 hours so I stayed in and did two weeks worth of laundry and watched True Romance.
I start full time on Sunday but I spent a few hours there this past week getting familiar and working on the logistics of fitting three new hires into a space that used to be occupied by one... in an office that was already overflowing. We're moving to a new building in four months. It's going to be a long four months.
My first task was buying furniture at Ikea. I hate counter-productive shopping mazes and I hate Swedes. I knew it would be a disaster. I walked out with two filing cabinets- together they don't hold as much as the one they were supposed to replace- and two tabletops. No, not tables- tabletops. Apparently legs are sold separately. I didn't find this out until much later. Whatever. I bought the whole office cinnamon rolls on my first day.
The people are great. Quiet. Almost eerily quiet at times. But productive and polite and seem generally on it. I'm not sure how that's gonna pan out. I've grown accustomed to loud, sarcastic slackers who can't take their job seriously because they're too good for it. I think I'll manage.
I have keys and alarm codes and no idea what I'm doing. Hurrah! 9-5 all next week!
In the time I had off these past two weeks I sorta planted seeds that will develop too quickly and spread me thin once again. I'm worried that I'm over-committing. I was looking for ways to fill me up after a recent vacancy... then I was out of touch and unproductive for a few weeks... maybe I'm just worried I can't get back on track. Whatever. I'm serving breakfast like a champ and slowly settling back into the conference stuff and planning to get back to derby practice and looking to involvement with a new "organization" and committing myself to Sunday nights with a backpack of beer and a tiny bike on a big hill. And until I decide otherwise, this is what my life will be.
Parts of my new project are in. My eBay exploits. Unfortunately it looks like the next pieces are going to be a little more difficult to obtain.
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[25 Nov 2007|02:20pm] |
As of 5 minutes ago, I'm a full time employee of Alta Planning + Design.
I guess this means I'm officially and completely taking steps away from my media/video/TV/AV background and starting down a completely different path.
Huh.
Yes, I'm excited :-)
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[24 Nov 2007|08:44pm] |
Because I love short responses and I'm waiting for an auction to end and I'm too sick to leave my chair and because everybody's doin' it, ( two word answer meme )
Auction won.
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[24 Nov 2007|01:48pm] |
Ugh... sickly. Came down with a head cold. Started feeling double plus unwell last night after dinner- dull and dizzy and exhausted. Crashed on the couch when I got home. Moved to my bed around 8 and continued to sleep through the rest of the morning. Still feeling croopy, but I got a weird buzz off the decongestant I took- all tingly in my teeth.
The interview went alright. Biggest stumbling block? "What do you intend to be doing in 5 years?" Damn my honestly. My rambling answer could have been summed up by "fucked if I know." Part of the job sounds like a perfect fit for me- the scattered, random solution and facilitation problem solving part. The other half of the job is "personal assistant" type and I kinda doubt I'd get a kick out of that. The position will probably split and grow into at least two jobs in the next six months, but for the time being it's one job that I'm not holding out for. She said she'd make a decision yesterday or Monday. No call back yesterday so I get to wonder all weekend.
I was excited about last night's concert and today's bike move, but I've done neither. Being ill stinks. I wish I had a stack of movies to watch.
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[23 Nov 2007|01:03am] |
I have a job interview in just under nine hours so I should keep this short.
Refugee Turkey Day II was phenomenal. I cooked a bird and experimented with a few new dishes- including the Funion green bean casserole and jello shot molds (with varying success). Started drinking around 8:30 and sustained a healthy buzz until... now. Stayed in one place. Didn't wear a dress. Had a great time. Too many leftovers... Bitchin.
I got about 2 hours sleep last night. Dunno why. Things unsettling? Yeah, just a couple.
My interview later today could be life changing... or not. I don't really care, honestly. But I should sober up and give it a go.
Bleh.
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| Fuel |
[20 Nov 2007|09:28am] |
I tried to re-warm the last cup of yesterday's coffee in the microwave when I rolled out of bed. Sure it never tastes right, but it gets me through the fifteen-or-so minutes it takes to make fresh. I fumbled it out of the nuke cycle and dropped the mug, coffee and ceramic raining down on everything. Shrapnel sliced through the top of my foot.
I ground a fresh batch and loaded the drip machine. Walked away for a bit. Came back when I couldn't hear her gurgling. There was about an ounce of liquid in the carafe and wet grounds, but otherwise she wasn't moving. Tried to reboot her several times and prod her with a chopstick, but nothing brought her back. Troubleshooting without proper stimuli is frustrating...
Emptied the grounds into the press and boiled the water. At least there's very little to fail with the "French" process, but the pre-washed grounds came out tasting a bit funky.
Maybe I should go out for coffee.
Maybe I should go out period.
When peak oil takes effect and it's too pricey to ship coffee beans, I'm moving to the coffee belt.
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